Bitter Apple

I don't know what prompted me today to do this, but Dillon, my male greyhound, has a hot spot on his skin that he keeps licking, and licking, and licking. I was always told that greyhounds tend to be fastidiously clean animals, along the lines of a cat. But when he kept licking this spot on his skin, it was just getting out of hand and was looking anything but clean.

I took him to the veterinarian. They checked him over, did 2 tests, all of which came up negative for different "issues." While relieved that he had nothing wrong with him (except what probably was a NASTY bug bite), and relieved that I wouldn't have to spend the next week in a hotel after potentially having to napalm the inside of my house for critters, I was not so relieved with the vet bill. Yes, it cost me $97. The vet gave me an antibiotic, told me to get some benadryl, and then go to the pet store to get some spray stuff called "Bitter Apple."

I have never used this "Bitter Apple" stuff. According to the label, it keeps animals from licking and making their wounds and sores infected, since the taste of it is something that they don't like. Once they start licking, they supposedly will immediately stop since they don't like the taste. Well, I wanted to know what I was getting into.

Before I tried it on Dillon today, I wanted to see what it would smell like. I thought that perhaps it would smell like apples, since it had "apple" in the name. The only things I could think of that it might smell like would be either a) Jolly Rancher apple flavored candy, or b) apple flavored Pucker liqueur. I was thinking that in order for my dog to learn not to lick his sore, it would have to at least smell enticing enough for him to want to lick it, thereby tasting whatever this elixir is. After all, I like the smell of artificial apple flavoring, and what creature on this earth wouldn't like the taste of booze.

Nope. It doesn't smell like apples. As a matter of fact, it doesn't smell like anything. It doesn't smell like chemicals, medicine, the dentist's office, lighter fluid, nothing. I was thinking to myself that I wasn't sure if this thing was going to work. So I decided to conduct my second experiment. I would see what it would feel like on my finger.

I sprayed a smidgen on my finger. I was thinking that it would feel like isopropyl alcohol, and would quickly evaporate. Nope. After all, the stuff's gotta stay on there, doesn't it? It can't just evaporate. It didn't even feel oily either, like some unguent from the middle ages used to cure scabies. It felt like, well.....water. How boring!

I'm thinking to myself at this point, this product is a CROCK!

I decided to conduct one more test. Yes........a taste test. I sprayed another shot of this concoction on my finger. At this point I was hesitant, and was thinking to myself that this is a stupid idea. What did I do, though? Yes, I touched my tongue to it. I can assure you, it didn't taste like apples. In fact, I would have to say that it was probably one of the worst tasting liquids I have ever come across in my life. I think that if you ever wanted an al-Qaida terrorist to spill the beans as to the whereabouts of Osama bin Ladin, all our troops would have to do is to spray "Bitter Apple" in their mouths to get them to talk. That shit's HORRIBLE! Not only did it taste like a chemist's experiment gone wrong, but it literally numbed the tip of my tongue. Whatever the taste buds are on the tip of your tongue that taste certain things (bitter, salty, sweet, etc.), I won't be enjoying that taste anytime soon.

After spraying Dillon today, let's just say that he hasn't even had the inkling to go down that slippery slope. What a smart boy!

His owner, on the other hand.....well, that might be a different story.